I take so much joy in nature. When I have a bad day, a blooming flower, or an orange leave floating through the air, will usually change my thinking. Living in a place with four seasons is very spiritual for me, as you can follow time not only by looking at the calendar, but also looking out the window. Hence, I was surprised to find that this year, spring completely snuck up on me.
Normally, I can't wait for springtime with its beauty, with its blossoms and sweet scents. After a long, grey winter, it warms my heart and my skin to catch those first rays of spring sun. However, this year I have contradicting feelings about it. For my family, everything is different this spring. My father's cancer has gotten significantly worse over Christmas and he has now entered his life's final season. He's had a considerably good life for the past six years, despite his disease, and that is something to be grateful for. Now however, things are moving fast. These past weeks, we have gathered around him, soaking up every moment together, making some last minute memories, trying to make sense of it all. While my father's dying is something I can't understand, or don't want to believe, it is something I will have to learn to accept. Death, is part of life. The trees are filled with blooms now, but ultimately, they will be bare once again.
Naturally, I'm filled with a lot of pain. My heart is full of hurt, when I think about our life without him, my mother's life without her partner, my daughter's life without her Opa. Somedays, I'm full of anger. I'm also feeling very grateful, for the wonderful memories of my childhood, although -going down memory lane is a sad path to go down these days, as I will certainly tear up.
It has been a stressful time lately. On an emotional level, of course, but also on a physical level. I'm going back and forth between my parents house and our home almost weekly. The four hour trip one-way is wearing me out. The packing, unpacking, not being settled, not "being" in one place. The planning, or should I say "un-planning". My father insists on us continuing our life as normal as possible, but not knowing when the end comes makes it hard to plan - anything.
Although my creative work is coming along slowly these days, it is important for me to keep going. To keep taking on clients and to keep posting on the blog. It is a welcome distraction. It is something to hold on to. Bare with me though, as my writing will ebb and flow in the weeks to come.
So while my family is entering winter, metaphorically speaking, all around me it has become spring.
What that means for me is, that I am reminded, to still seek the beauty, the light-heartedness. I am also reminding myself to enjoy the spring days, for myself, but particularly for little Smilla. I breathe in the fresh air and let my thoughts be carried away for a moment. I open the window to the music of spring, to new chapter's, to the acceptance that what will be, will be. Blossoms catch my eye and for a second, I forget the heavy, and fully focus on the light. And I remind myself, that no matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow.