Hello, new year said our holiday card this year. Not because I'm the grinch who stole Christmas, but because it was the design that spoke to me the most.
I also didn't plan on writing another post on new year resolutions/plans/ambitions/dreams, but then I opened up this blog template and it just came pouring out anyways. Last year, this post went something like this "...don't stress out, practice more hygge, see if it can make you happy". To read the full story you can click here. It is mid December as I'm re-reading last years words and I feel a slight sense of accomplishment, but mostly I feel that I fell short. I did add more "hygge" to my daily life. The first few weeks with Winter particularly, I slowed down and swam in a sea of newborn bliss. Then, the move happened. I told myself last year, whatever happens in 2017, don't loose your mind, don't loose yourself during this year of transition. And what happened ? I may have just lost my mind a little bit. Or in more self-loving, respectful words - I just haven't found my rhythm in this new Texas life of ours.
There are days, that I feel totally content, secure in my mothering, utmost happy in my marriage and everything from lighting a candle first thing in the morning, to a wonderful steamy homemade meal in the evening is just great. Mostly though, I am mourning the times that could be spent with our friends and family back in Germany and I mourn, that despite my best effort (and you really can't say I haven't tried) I just haven't found a deep, meaningful connection here. For someone who thrives on social contacts, that's not good at all. Chatter at the playground is nice, but it only goes so far towards greater happiness. My children are wonderful, they are my life - but as any mother will tell you, to talk all day about fairies and legos and animal noises just doesn't mentally stimulate you in the long run. I have a hard time adjusting to the climate and the fact that there are no seasons. After all, it's intentional living in the rhythm of the seasons that fulfills my heart. I feel for my husband, who has to deal with my changing moods on top of his stressful new career and the fact, that he hasn't quite found is rhythm either. On top of it all the nagging question: was it worth it? Will it be worth it?
The answer of course is, most likely, yes. Until I get over myself though and find real contentment in our new life, I need to stop being so hard on myself. I need to focus even more on the things that we have, the countless things we can be grateful for.
Hello, new year says our holiday card. It also says:
DRINK COFFEE, GET OUTSIDE, READ ALL THE BOOKS & GET SOME SLEEP.
I put that on there, because it matched the photographs I had picked so nicely. I thought it was smart and fresh. Just the perfect little message coming from us. A little bit more original maybe, than your standard "and a happy new year".
Not until I received the cards in the mail did I realize, that, from an unconscious place, I prescribed myself exactly what I need for the new year. Turns out, I don't think I put that on there for you. I put it on there for me.
DRINK GOOD COFFEE (continue to gain more knowledge on craft coffee // keep watching my handsome husband experiment with his brews // sit down together and analyze the taste, developing our palate one sip at a time // mainly, join together in conversation at our table // invite others to join us // togetherness.)
GET OUTSIDE (the Texas heat sucks // but I need air to breathe // the kids NEED room to roam // seek out places that fill our soul // find that wildness tonic )
READ ALL THE BOOKS (unplug // nourish your mind // stop feeling sorry for myself for not knowing about the ways of the world, but educate myself // remember how good written words makes you feel and soak it in // screens off)
GET SOME SLEEP (whenever you can, take a nap // the things I think of as important aren't nearly as important as my sanity // go the f to sleep // you need it mama // I will never feel good in my skin, if I keep up this sleep deprived mess that I am)
So without knowing it at first, I made some resolutions after all. Did you?
p.s.: I wrote the draft for this post in mid-December. It is the first week of January now and oddly, with the new year came a sense of newfound positivity and cheerful outlook on the months to come. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep these energies flowing and make 2018 a happy one.