Change.

Talking about grief and change in this very moving post. www.houseofsmilla.com/blog/change
Beautiful magnolia photos on www.houseofsmilla.com/blog/change
www.houseofsmilla.com
magnolia
magnolia

When, as children, we were particularly mischevious my father, in his sternest voice, would say  "It's time for the wind of change to blow through here". And then, me and my sisters would giggle. The rules never got stricter, the punishments never got harder, the wind of change never came. 

Until now. 

My father passed on April 17th and change, is here. He peacefully passed away in his sleep, in his bed, in his home. A home, that he built about 30 meters from the house he was born in. We buried his ashes not even a mile down the road at the local cemetery. My father, never liked to travel much. While his death was quiet, painless and fast, as he had prayed for, my life has been one of roaring hurt and the slow realization, that he won't ever come back. In the last few weeks he tried to prepare us well for his departure, asking us to just accept, that this cancer will take him from us and live on, making a happy life for ourselves. While his voice rings comforting in my ears, it still is just a real tough time.

Everything is different now. Life is still the same, yet forever altered by our loss. Changed.

As usual, my father was right. I just have to accept, that he is no longer here. It will take time. When I miss him, I will have to find him in my heart. When I need his advice, I will have to remember his wisdoms. When I want to talk to him, I will have to accept, that only my voice, will be loudly speaking. 

It would be all to easy to fall into a big black hole now and neglect my life. Sorrow is calling, and sometimes, for brief moments, I want to fully give in to it. But it's not like me. Even now, I still see the beauty of spring everywhere around me. And I want to make plans and feel happy. I know, that is also, what my father would want for me. 

So I grief and I cry. But I also laugh and focus in on the enjoyable things. The pain never fully leaves me, but I see a silver lining. My family has never been closer. I'm surrounded by so much love and support. My husband has been like a solid rock in this ocean of sadness and my friends have been drawing in close around me, like a gentle cocoon of warmth and kindness.

Humans are creatures of routine. Change is hard. It has always been particularly uncomfortable for me. So while the "wind of change" is blowing cold and hard in my face, I am wrapping myself in a comforting blanket of routine. Preparing nourishing meals, taking walks in the woods (that my father loved so much...), reading, playing, meeting people. Writing. While I can't change the course of life, and I can't change the hurt in my heart, I can just keep doing what I like to do. 

I let these words spill out, because it didn't feel right to just continue to write about wardrobes, recipes, well - my life - without honestly writing about the change that has happened. Now, that I typed up these paragraphs, I will continue my journey of grief, but also my writings on this blog and my photography. I need the routine of writing now more than ever.