Next March this mama is going to need a whole lot more coffee.
Surprise. Baby no 2 is on its way. I'm absolutely delighted and I'm absolutely nervous about the challenges of life with a toddler (remember that dragon post recently?) and a newborn.
In the past I have been freely sharing that little Smilla was the wonderful destination to our IVF journey. With doctors telling us, the chances of natural conception are below 3%, you can imagine the excitement and disbelief we felt when we realized I might be pregnant.
Oh, and did I realize this time! You see, with Smilla I was this mystical creature so-called "pregnancy unicorn". No issues, no sickness, no care in the world. Only problem during that pregnancy? I hurt my ankles wearing super high heels to dinner at 9 months pregnant. With this little one though, everything has been different so far. I've been feeling the worst nausea, fatigue, full on hibernation mode, acne, greasy hair, oh wait, then dry hair, and mood swings to drive even the loveliest husband away.
I had prepared my body and mind for my first pregnancy for months, years even. When it happened, I was overjoyed. This time, it took me a few weeks to accept the changes and challenges coming to my life. A new baby, and possibly a move next year had me scared for weeks. I felt a feeling of uncertainty. And then, because this baby is such a "miracle" (truly, every baby is though), I felt bad for not feeling over-the-moon-happy at all times. It has been an emotional first trimester.
Heading into the second one now, I feel refreshed, back to a healthy diet, back to feeling a lot more normal. My mind and my heart caught up with one another and I'm readily, happily accepting this little being growing inside of me.
They say, when one soul leaves another one enters this world. Is it coincidence that I got pregnant so shortly after my beloved father passed in April? Could it be, well, destiny? A few weeks before he died, I had a very vivid dream in which my father died and then I got pregnant with a boy. I dismissed it as a crazy story my mind wrote up in the middle of the night. Now, I remember the dream as clear as day. I'm spiritual. I'm also a realist. I'm trying to make sense of the mourning, the dying and the ending, as well as the happiness, the new life and the new beginnings. It has been a significant year for sure and it is only the beginning of fall.
My head is full of questions. Will I be able to love them both equally? Will I be able to handle the stress? Will I still be a good wife in the midst of all the parenting? Can I keep my writing and my photography going? Will I need a double stroller? Am I ready for another year of breastfeeding? Can anyone be lucky enough to have two easy birth experiences? What about a name? .... An endless train of thoughts is constantly running through my mind. And yet, most of the questions won't find an answer until March and beyond.
Until then, I am taking good care of this precious cargo I'm carrying. I vow to keep my mind open and my heart full and not too doubt the plan this life has for me.